I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
