Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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