1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
