It's a beautiful day for a hangover
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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