Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
