He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Randomize
