I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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