My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
