I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Randomize
