you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
