life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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