If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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