Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
