Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
