She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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