apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
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