I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
