Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
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