apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
