drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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