my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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