I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
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