I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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