gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
