I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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