he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
