I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Randomize
