There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
