I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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