maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
i drank out of a bidet.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
