proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
