i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
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