On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
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