Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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