He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
