Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
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I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
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It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
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