i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
