if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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