Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
