Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
