I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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