So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
