I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
