Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Randomize
