so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken