i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
