you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
