I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
