good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
