Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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