I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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