Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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