in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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