Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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