I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Sober January is a disaster.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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